Ruby Spurflower, Girl Detective

Our generation gets ripped apart for our supposed narcissism, myopia, and entitlement. You know the fastest way to combat these traits? Grow up as “the sick kid.”

As it turns out, experiencing suffering and hardship just makes you more tuned in to others’ suffering and hardship. Everyone has something to battle, and we’re all in it together. Illness makes you realize how linked we all are, and your vulnerability allows others to be vulnerable around you. This hardly makes me special: I’d wager our sickness turns most of us half-Jedi.

(Click through for more! My most recent post for “Psychology Today.”)

So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays.

N.H. Kleinbaum (via holymotherofsadbathtime)

It’s true. Language was invented to woo us. Good luck, amigos: lots of us are tough crowds.

Though I’ve had 27 years of practice in this body, I’m only just learning the distinction. A voice in my head still keeps trying to prod me on. That voice got me through decades of “tired” (“I can learn Statistics by Wednesday’s final, no problem!”), but it has no place dealing with fatigue. With fatigue, there are no inner reserves to call on. No amount of pluck,willpower, coffee, or self-flagellation can overcome it. Expecting fatigue to behave like “tired” isn’t fair to you. Fatigue has to be respected and handled with care.

Why had I never noticed before? Tired can be fought, but fatigue must be befriended.

Well…if not befriended, more like “ankle-cuffed together like a chain gang.” Fatigue sucks, but you’re stuck with it.

AP Chronic Illness II

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Dr. Panning: I’ll use every tool at my disposal: medication, drugs, and pills.

Jerri: Why can’t you drill a hole in his skull to let the demons out?

Dr: Panning (Laughs): Jerri, drilling a hole in the head to “let the demons out” is a pretty archaic way to treat mental illness. Today, we sedate the demons until they become addicted, and then we lure them out with a piece of meat. It takes years.

-Strangers with Candy

I swear I just had this conversation with my gastroenterologist.

Man, I hate when life mimics farce.

Cookie Monsters

Did you know the girl scouts are bringing down our civilization? Turning our daughters into promiscuous, devil-fueled skank monsters!

These big-hearted patriots are INSISTING we BOYCOTT the Girl Scouts because they endorse pro-choice politicians like Wendy Davis and Kathleen Sebelius. What’s more, the GSUSA has the gall to instill feminist values and sexual education to our girls. Say it in your best Scarlet O’Hara: “Ohh, the horror!”

My favorite complaint from a list of the GSUSA’s evils:

"Girl Scouts’ curriculum for girls, sold and promoted by every local Girl Scout council, recommends pro-abortion role models/organizations such as Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, Geraldine Ferraro, Hillary Clinton, Amnesty International, Population Council, ACLU, National Organization For Women (NOW) and others."

Oh, you mean “Every high powered feminist”? Weird. I guess Rick Perry and John Boehner’s honoree letters got lost in the mail.

Anyway click here to locate your nearest salesgals. Let’s all follow the cookies toward a future full of mouthy broads. My fem-rage is only matched by my sweet tooth, so, heads up, haters: Game. Set. Match.

You know you’re on the right side of an ideological divide when you get the best snacks. 

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Green Thumb

A friend of mine has a theory that people obsessively post pictures of their pets to Facebook until they have babies. It’s kind of a hierarchy of narcissistic obsession over cute things: babies at the top, pets in the middle, everything else in a junk drawer below. I tend to think she’s right. People like having an object onto which to funnel their nurturing instincts.

I just shuttled my new plants inside to protect them from the cold, and in the process may have defined a new low for that hierarchy of nurturing. “Is it cold out there? Don’t worry, it’s nice and toasty in here!” I cooed at them. They responded by synthesizing carbon dioxide into oxygen, because they are plants. I laughed uproariously then clutched them to my bosom, my laughter turning into weeping as I sang them lullabies. “Don’t ever leave me,” I whispered into their leaves. They produced chlorophyll. We’ll be happy forever.

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Sure, okay, most of that didn’t literally happen—but my willingness to monologue to a fern is more than a little concerning. Life for plants at my apartment is nasty, brutish, and short, so I might just be trying to bond in the brief time we have together. Or maybe that Amaryllis is just a super good listener. Who knows!

"Crazy Houseplant Lady" isn’t a thing, but give it a few years. In the words of stable, normal people the world over: I’ll show you! I’ll show all of you!

"…This is one gift/curse of chronic illness: an awareness of the universe’s anarchy. Eating right+ exercise+ positive thoughts+ goat sacrifices to minor deities =/= guaranteed health. Realizing this is scary. As humans, we like having a clear cause and effect. Virtue should equal happinesslike eating salads should equal six-pack abs, and it makes us skittish and confused when these tidy transactions don’t work out.”

-My most recent post for Psychology Today about why you’re actually kicking lots of ass even when you’re drooling on the couch. Science!

The greatest menu line of all time

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Oh! Thank god it’s low fat!

(Source: risjoy)

My second post for Psychology Today’s “Better Living Through Snark.” Click on over!